Kissing my mommy guilt goodbye

I recently read the article "Kiss Mommy Guilt Goodbye" from Parenting.com and it was very refreshing.  As I talk to more and more mommies I have come to find that when giving a first impression we all want everyone to think that our lives are perfect.  Our wonderful children eat anything, sleep well, don't have tantrums and know their multiplication tables by their 2nd birthday.  We love them so much and want to spend every minute with them.  We miss them when we are away and just love being mommies.  I am sure that there are mommies out there who become teary eyed and miss their children when they go the bathroom, but not all of us, and trying to be the 'perfect mom' makes us feel guilty because we know inside that we need our Me Time.

I have been traveling to DC recently for work and other events and have been able to spend good time with my friends.  I really enjoyed my time away was starting to feel guilty about having fun away from my daughter.  I love being a mom, but I there is more to me than that and I really do not want to change.   I have recently been trying to make friends in our 'new' (3 years now) town, so I joined a few meetup groups and a mommy group.  My husband was reading an email we received which listed several activities including, book club, crafting club, cooking/meal planning, and a games nights.  I asked if he thought beer pong would be included in game night.  He looked at me and said 'I can't believe you are a mom'.  Yeah, me too! 

You can stop judging now... I did make my daughter christening gown from a pattern and made all of her food fresh until she was 1 (I still make her fruits).   I know that I am a good mom, but that does not mean that my life must now be consumed by fingerpaints and puppets.  It is about finding the right balance so that you do not lose who you are.   Having a night or two out with my husband or friends is a good thing and I know that when I get home she will come running to give me a hug and I will appreciate that hug more than ever! 

I am a "Woman Driver"

Oh jeez...  I always laughed at the stereotype of a 'woman driver', even contributing when I passed a 'woman driver' on the highway with their blinker on too long, or when they are swerving all over the place.  Do having children make you a bad driver?  I don't have the statistics about whether all those 'woman drivers' that I have made fun of have children, but that is the only logical explanation for my recent parking job.

I have always prided myself on my good driving.  I always use my blinker (to an OCD level), I am courtesty and thoughful when it comes to other drivers and am pretty cautious.  Although I tend to have a lead foot, I am a very safe driver.  I used to curse drivers who would park over the line and prevent me from enjoying the full space that I thought was MINE.  I took this picture of my parking job while dropping Mattie off at day care the other day.  Really! 

I don't know what my problem is but I have noticed that I have been parking poorly ever since she was born.  Is bad driving hormonal, or do we just stop caring about every other driver because we have more important things to worry about?  I am sure the mom or dad who parked next to me cursed me when they learned they could not have there child exit on the drivers side because I was taking up too much space!  I am going to try to make it in the lines next times, but no promises.  One day at a time...

I run like Homer Simpson!

In order to be a happier Me, I need to get ‘back’ into shape. To be honest, I am not sure I ever really was ‘in’ shape, so ‘back’ may be a stretch. I have always been athletic, gymnastics, basketball, softball… but I could NEVER run. I always envied my roommate in college who would come back from runs, sweaty but refreshed. I wish I could just go out for a run, but it would always end up being a 5 minute jog followed by some huffing and puffing and ended with me looking ridiculous as I walked back home. I tried to run a 10K for the American Heart Association’s Lawyers Have Heart, but my friend was running circles around me trying to motivate me to push harder so that the little bus at the end would not force me to get on. I have been going to the gym and trying to run on the treadmill, but it is sooo hard. Twice the 80 year old guy was running 8 minute miles while I had to stop every .25 miles to walk and catch my breath… pretty embarrassing but I have to start somewhere. I have looked around on the internet and found some advice as to how to become a runner. First, I need to get over my ego and accept that I am NOT in shape. I need to walk/run/walk and not feel bad about it. My schedule is below. I consider myself in Week 1 now and Week 2 will start next week.

Week one: Walk for 6 minutes, then jog at an easy pace for 1 minute. Repeat 3 times. Aim for three sessions with that same sequence for week one.

Week two: Walk for 5 minutes, then jog for 2 minutes. Repeat 3 times. Aim to do three sessions in week two.

Week three: Walk for 3 minutes, then jog for 4 minutes. Repeat 4 times. Aim for four sessions in week three.

Week four: Walk for 2 minutes, then jog for 5 minutes. Repeat 4 times. Shoot for four of those sessions in week four.

Week five: Walk for 2 minutes, then jog for 8 minutes. Repeat 3 times. Do four of those sessions in week five.

Week six: Walk for 2 minutes, then jog for 9 minutes. Repeat 3 times. Try to do four sessions for week six.

Week seven: Walk for 1 minute, then jog for 11 minutes. Repeat 3 times. Do four sessions this week.

Week eight: Congratulations on making it to week eight! For your first run this week, try walking for 5 minutes to begin and end the workout, and run for 20 minutes in between. By the end of the week, try to run for 30 minutes without stopping.

This schedule is taken from About.com, which actually has a lot of good running advice. I few more tidbits I plan to incorporate into my routine are:

Land Midfoot - Don't be a toe runner or a heel-striker. If you land on your toes, your calves will get tight or fatigue quickly and you may develop shin pain. Landing on your heels means you have overstrided and you're braking, which wastes energy and may cause injury. Try to land on the middle of your foot, and then roll through to the front of your toes.

Fight the Mental Battle - Some beginner runners are actually physically fit enough to run a certain distance, but they don't have the confidence or mental strength to push themselves farther. In many cases, it's simply "mind over matter." Try to distract yourself by playing mind games, choosing new running routes, or running with other people.

Set Small Goals for Yourself - Having very short-term goals to work toward can also help with the mental challenges of running longer. Your goals can be as simple as, "Run to the next stop sign" (and then the next stop sign, and the one after that). As long as it keeps you moving, it doesn't matter how lame or uninspired your goal might seem.

Make running a priority - Schedule your runs and get your spouse on board so you get help with some of the child-care responsibilities. And get creative by taking advantage of opportunities to run. For example, if you're watching your kid's soccer game, run some laps around the field before or even during the game.

Here’s to staying motivated and meeting my weekly goals. Check back in to see how I am doing and of course your advice and support is welcome!

Finding that One Particular Harbor

Those that know me well know that I can stress over little things and am slightly OCD about order around me. I can get frustrated easily and need an outlet for such frustration or it just bottles up. I always wanted to find 'peace within' but without actually escaping to the sand and surf that calms me best I just can't seem to focus. I thought yoga would be a good way to get centered and in shape at the same time, but I became bored after about 5 minutes and then just thought of all the things I still needed to get done and the fact that I could be doing those things right then.

I have not always been this on edge and long for the days where flip flops and a good song would take me to that "One Particular Harbor". It is just so hard to get there now! I was flipping through the latest edition of Carolina Parent Magazine and stumpled upon an article called "The Secret to Happiness: It's No Secret." It turns out that in my struggle to balance everything in my life, putting Me last is the worst thing I could do. The article suggests taking time for myself and for my husband in order to be happy all around. Of course I do not appreciate that the article points out that shopping is NOT a positive activity, but I did find the article very interesting.

One bit of advice that I plan to incorporate in my daily life is to appreciate the 'micro-moments' and stop focusing on the huge stressful decisions. For example, I am going to stop thinking about where to send my kid to school and be happy that my husband is going to bring me a Chipotle burrito for lunch! If I can be happy with the little things, I think this will help with my overall attitude. I am also going to try to schedule 1 thing for myself each day. Maybe a bubble bath, maybe 15 minutes with a book... it doesn't matter how small, but this can give me something to look forward to each day. Today I will try to file my nails, they are getting pretty ragged. I will start small and work up to larger events that require a sitter. I also need to remember that I have a great life and no matter what work or other commitments may bring nothing is really THAT bad. Especially in light of the earthquake disaster in Haiti I need to wake up every morning and sing 'Its a beautiful day' and truly appreciate my life.

Another bit of good advice is to lower expectations. I rely heavily on lists for everything that I do. In a way it helps free my mind because I know everything I need to do is on the list, but at the same time it causes great stress when everything has not been completed. I need to lower my expectations and set goals of completing 3 things on the list a day. Now if only I could get everyone else to lower their expectations of me!

Here are 10 Steps to Increase Happiness as provided in the article:

1. Put on your own oxygen mask first. (Or take care of yourself first.)

2. Build a village.

3. Expect effort and enjoyment, not perfection.

4. Choose gratitude, forgiveness and optimism.

5. Raise children’s emotional intelligence.

6. Form happiness habits.

7. Teach self-discipline.

8. Enjoy the present.

9. Rig the environment for happiness.

10. Eat dinner together.

Good luck making a happier you!

Blogging 101

I am pretty sure the number 1 rule for writing an interesting blog is actually WRITING something and then hoping it is interesting to others. Well, the writing has been my problem. My excuse ... I don't have enough time. Really though it only takes a few minutes to write a blog, so my New Year's resolution is to contribute to my blog at least once a week. After spending hours trying to get this 'cool' new header added, I should at least write SOMETHING!

Thanks to My Messy Paradise for her "A Post About Blogging" which provided a lot of helpful links to keep me going!

Any other advice please comment.

Thank you note etiquette

Before I begin please let me say that I am sincerely grateful for every gift that I and my family have ever received!

I understand that after a graduation party you should certainly send out thank you notes, especially to those who gave the gift you really wanted... money. I think of this as a right of passage into adulthood and a way to show respect to your elders (because let's face it, your friends who graduate with you aren't buying you a gift). I equally understand that after your wedding you must send thank you notes for all gifts received. I consider this a test of the husband and wife's ability to handle the tense situation of who will actually write the notes.

However, I must argue that once a child is brought into this world all bets should be off! I typically enjoy writing thank you notes and do my best to make them as personal as possible. For the gifts we received before Mattingly was born I was on the ball. I had written all thank yous, addressed them and stamped them. The day we got home from the hospital with our little girl, they were in the mail. Once the news that she was born circulated the cococnut telegraph, additional gifts began pouring in and of course I LOVED it. I loved opening little tiny dress shoes and cute outfits and toys, etc... but then I realized that I needed to write thank you notes, WHAT! When I go all day without going to the bathroom because she is a baby and needs to be taken care of, when exactly am I to write thank you notes? How am I suppose to personalize thank you notes to people I have never met, who just happen to be friends of our relatives. Of course I appreciate the thoughtfulness and I understand the fun of buying baby presents, even for someone you don't know but really? We even received a few presents without a card or a name and we had to track down who they were from. I have done my best to get them all out and I feel caught up but today, when I was going through our address list to make sure it is up to date for Christmas, it hit me like a mack truck that I sent thank you cards to one person twice, once for the gift they gave us and once for the gift someone else gave us. Yes, that means I missed one and I know it. When I thought it, but could not confirm I could sleep at night. Now I know that there is still one more to write and it is weighing on me.

Of course you may think... hey lazy idiot, you could be writing it now... yeah, I thought of that too!

I think I am just getting fed up with it. I still have hostile feelings from the wedding thank yous. We had them all out within the first two months, but we still had to hear "Aunt/Uncle so and so hasn't received a thank you note, of course she/he just wanted to make sure you got the gift, but you should probably send one soon" from our parents. Really, I mean really. Can we have a moment? It makes me wonder if that person gave us a gift just for the thank you note. Well guess what (no I won't go there).

Is this generational? I don't expect a thank you note for the gifts that I send. I send them because I want to send them. I have started to write "no thank you note necessary" on the message because I do not want to cause anyone any stress, especially those people I care enough about to give a gift to. Maybe I just need to start giving anonomously... well let's be real, I still want some recognition, I am not a saint! Maybe Mattingly's generation will be the ones who send everything anonomously, now wouldn't that be the true meaning of selfless giving.

Seven Minutes in Heaven

I am not talking about what all of you (not me of course) did in high school... I am talking about taking a shower! With a baby in the house and daddy at work most of the day, I try to squeeze in a quick shower in the morning before Mattingly wakes up. I put the monitor on the sink so I can see if the little dots go up, meaning she is crying, and turn the heat up. This is probably the most relaxing time of my day. Sometimes I try to extend my time and just stand in the hot steaming shower and stare at the monitor praying that those little dots don't move. So, when daddy is home and can watch baby girl for me to take a shower in the evening, I am of course going to take my time and enjoy my shower. The other day however Paul decided that if Mattingly was crying, I should know about it. He brought her into the bathroom and proceeded to stand there, waiting for me to get out. I guess he thought that I would jump out and wrap a towel around myself and perform the miracle of making her calm down. Well... I did not jump out. I am in heaven for goodness sakes! But the crying, which echoed in the bathroom, did not make the experience very heavenly. I had to tell Paul to get the hell out of my heaven! Of course I did not use those words and tried to be as polite as possible, but that is what I wanted to yell. He apologized and left, but knowing that she was crying and that it was almost time to eat put a damper on my relaxation. So I got out, not as refreshed as possible, but at least I was clean - which is more than I can say for myself those first few weeks.

Poop - the lesser of the evils?

Yes, poop, if I have to choose I choose poop!!! Let me give the scenario and your options...

It is 3:00am and you just finished a feeding, the burping went well and of course the little one has received their dose of Mylecon. You begin to sway the baby on their side, while swaddled and you continously shhh baby (yes 4/5 of the 5 Ss). Baby goes to sleep, limp in your arms in fact, so you slowly place baby into the bassinet/crib. Fingers always crossed that she will stay asleep, but knowing full well that as soon as your head hits the pillow one of three things will happen:

1. Eyes open and are as alert as ever

2. Hiccups begin

3. She poops

Well, I have to say that the eyes opening is the worst. I am tired at 3:00am and my patience is shot. Eyes opening has the potential of causes hours of further swaying and shhhing. Mattingly loves to be swaddled when she is asleep but absolutely HATES it if she is awake. I tried to lay on my pillow in the hopes that she will fall asleep on her own, but my little Hercules will kick and pull at her arms. I hear groans from the bassinet as if she is an olympic weightlifter and than the inevitable, the velcro on the swaddle begins to tear. I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous this is. Just go to sleep! But no, she either burts through the swaddle or realizes that she can't and begins to scream. I then must remove her from the swaddle and begin the Ss until she is asleep enough for a re-swaddle. This process can take hours so I would certainly say that eyes opening is the worst.

Hiccups frustrated me at first. They begin about 5 minutes after Mattingly is snug as a bug in her bassinet. They cause her to spit up a bit and of course they wake her up. The good news is that I have a 50% chance that she will fall back asleep on her own after the hiccups have run their course. But, I also have a 50% chance that these hiccups wake her up for good and I am back to square 1. So I lay in bed, listening to the hiccups and trying not to get to comfortable since I know full well that I may need to jump out of bed to avoid her screaming for too long and waking my husband who has to work in the morning. What I like about the hiccups is that 50% chance!

The last scenario is a big stinky poop. I was not sure what to do about this at first. Changing the diaper seems like the 'good parent' thing to do, but this involves unswaddling and a diaper change often wakes her up. Not changing her diaper seems like the 'bad parent' thing to do. Leaving your child sleep in their own poop and of course she could wake up screaming about the poop any minute did not seem like a good option. So, at first I changed her everytime, and then one night I was just too tired to deal with it. I think I sort of hoped that she would start screaming about the dirty diaper and wake up her dad and he could change her. Yes, this sounded like a good plan to me! Miraculously though she seems quite content to have a poopy diaper and did not wake up again for several hours, which was on schedule with her feeding time anyway. So now I leave her alone and have found that the pooping itself helps her tummy and helps her to sleep more soundly.

So I choose poop and I choose to leave my precious little girl with a poopy diaper until she directs me otherwise.

Feeding Fun

The initial challenges of breastfeeding included the 'latching' concept and how to hold her for the best digestive angle. The we move onto keeping her latched and keeping her awake during each feeding. We finally got this all under control and thought we were down to just figuring out a schedule. Until yesterday... Miss fussy decided she wanted nothing to do with traditional feeding methods and instead she wanted to throw herself off of me and as the milk continued to flow from my body she would put her hands all through it so that her hands were covered in milk. She would then put her hands in her mouth as the way to get the milk. Well, this did not work very well and made quite a mess. It has been a challenge getting her back on track but today has gone well so far. Hopefully she does not get any new fun feeding ideas!

Stinky Diapers

To breastfeed or not to breatfeed... that is the question asked by many expecting mothers and unless the decision is made for you due to medical reasons, most mothers begin by weighing the pros and cons. One of the many pros that everyone tells you is that the poop doesn't smell if you breastfeed. Well, I would like for everyone to clarify the word "smell". I am breastfeeding and I must say that those diapers are stinky! When I brought this up to someone who continued to mention how great it was that they don't smell her response scared me... just wait until she starts eating regular food!!! WHAT - apparantly the diaper is going to be 10 times as stinky as it is now and I am suppose to enjoy this 'mild smell' while it lasts. Jeez.